It was a year ago that the awful tragedy had occurred. Willow stood in the
doorway of the room as she looked inside. She hadn't of stepped foot in
there since it happened. She could see the whole tragic affair playing over
and over in her mind...just like it was yesterday.
But it was exactly one year ago.
She leaned against the frame of the doorway and closed her eyes.
"Willow?"
Turning, she found that Dawn had come out of her room and was now standing
in the hall, watching her with concern.
"Are you okay?" Dawn asked her with concern.
Willow nodded, but she didn't smile. "I-I'm okay." All she could think of
when she looked at Dawn was when she had almost turned her back into a
little ball of light. She would have done it, too, if Buffy hadn't of shown
up. Willow had apologized a thousand times and it would never be enough.
At least to her.
But to Dawn. Each time Willow apologized, Dawn would just hug her and tell
her how much she loved her.
"Are you going to be okay alone?" Dawn asked softly. She was going to meet
Buffy, Giles, and Anya at the Magic Shop and they were going to visit Tara's
gravesite.
Willow had not wanted to go. "I-I'll be okay, Dawn."
Dawn missed the old Willow. She missed her so much. The old Willow was
always smiling, always happy, and the old Willow called her "Dawnie" with
affection. She knew that the new Willow was still Willow and Dawn would
never stop loving her. She only wished that Willow would find happiness
again.
Dawn also knew why Willow wouldn't go to Tara's grave. Because she just
wouldn't let her go.
"Can I get you anything before I go meet up with the others?" Dawn asked
her.
Willow looked at her. "How about a h-hug?"
Dawn smiled at her. She put her arms around Willow and the two friends
shared a hug.
The doorbell rang.
"C'mon," Dawn said to Willow.
They went downstairs and Dawn opened the door to let Xander in. He smiled
as he entered, and he had one hand behind his back. "Hi, Dawn," he greeted.
He looked past Dawn and looked at the most important person in his life.
"Willow."
Dawn looked at Willow and waited. This was the only time Willow reacted
with positive emotion. It was only whenever Xander was around that she
reacted the most. Most of the time, it was hardly noticeable, but as time
went by, it became more clear to anyone that knew Willow.
Even now, Willow's lips formed a half smile. "Xander," she said by way of
greeting.
Xander glanced at Dawn as he stepped up before Willow. "I was in the
neighborhood and thought I'd drop by."
"W-who were you coming to see?" Willow asked softly, her eyes meeting his
with curiousity. "I-I don't live here any more."
"This I know, silly girl." He was still surprised that Anya had let Willow
move in with her. He was surprised by a lot of things lately. One of the
biggest surprises was his feelings toward Willow and how those feelings were
growing stronger. And yet as he reflected on that, he wondered why he was
surprised to begin with. He moved his hand out from behind his back and
revealed flowers. He held them toward Willow. "These are for you."
Willow looked at him with surprise. She took them and gave him another half
smile, and a hug. "Th-thank you, Xander. These are nice." She glanced at
Dawn who was beaming at them both. "I-I don't have anything to put them
in."
Xander thrust out his arm. "Well, put your arm through mine and I will walk
you to your palace, my lady. We'll raid Anya's things until we can find the
perfect vase."
Willow hesitated, "Xander...y-you're not going...?" she trailed off as she
glanced at Dawn.
Xander knew what she meant. But he hadn't planned on going to Tara's grave.
"No. I'm not."
"How come?"
This time, he hesitated, "I...Willow, I just didn't want you to be alone."
He paused. "If you want me to leave you--"
She shook her head. "N-no. Don't leave me alone." She reflexively reached
her hand to his face, and her fingers traced the scars there. The scars
that she had given him. Tears formed in her eyes. She wanted to tell him
she was so sorry.
He took her hands in his and smiled warmly. "It's okay, Willow."
She nodded.
Then she put her arm through his, held onto her flowers and Xander led her
out through the front door. Dawn waved at them and beamed excitedly. She
was nearly bouncing with joy. Could this be happening? Oh, let it be! she
thought to herself. If anyone deserved to be happy, it was Xander and
Willow.
She closed the door, did a happy twirl, and headed for the bathroom
upstairs. She stood in front of the mirror and began to check her hair.
She brushed it and then she opened the mirror to get the toothpaste. When
she closed the mirror, she saw something that took her breath away.
She gasped.
She spun around and stared. But there was no one there. There was no one
behind her.
She looked in the mirror again.
The only reflection she saw there was her own.
She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and leaned against the sink. Then
she opened her eyes again and looked in the mirror. Still, the only one she
saw in the mirror looking back at her was herself.
That was okay. That was normal. But she could have sworn for just a second
or two that she saw Tara standing behind her.
--------
Xander and Willow walked down the street together arm in arm, and Willow was
holding onto her flowers thoughtfully. Deep down inside, she was having a
difficult struggle with her feelings. She felt so mixed up. Smiling was
something she rarely did these days, and when she did smile, it was only a
small half smile and she did that when Xander was with her.
Xander...
Lately, Xander was all she thought about when she wasn't depressing herself
with memories. Memories, and tragedy's, and regrets...They were just so
numerous, and yet Xander was the only light she had in her dark world now.
He was always there for her, more so than ever before. Yet even so, for six
months, Willow had been trying hard to deny her new strong feelings for
Xander. She was trying to tell herself that she didn't love him as a couple
would have love for each other.
She loved Tara.
But Tara was...
She tried to think of something else. Something that would block out the
pain. And suddenly, it was as if she heard Tara's voice in her mind.
"It's okay, Willow," said the voice from within. "You can let me go now.
Live your life, but don't live it alone."
"Hey," Xander said softly from beside her as he regarded her with concern.
"Are you okay?"
Willow couldn't help but be amazed by Xander. He seemed to know what she
was feeling. He was very much in tune with her. She hesitated, and she
tried to keep a tremor from her voice. "I..." she stopped. She wanted to
tell him that she was okay. But he knew her better than any one did. She
could tell Buffy, Dawn, Giles, or Anya that she was just fine, but Xander
would know if she was or wasn't. She finally shook her head. "No. I-I'm
not okay." She glanced at him. "I-I miss Tara."
Xander gave her arm a reassuring squeeze. "I know, Will. I miss Tara,
too."
Willow suddenly stopped walking and this made Xander stop as well. She
tilted her head to look at him. "I don't want to go home, Xander. I-I'd
like to go to your place."
He nodded and smiled at her. "Okay. We'll go to my place."
They walked together in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. Xander
was thinking of Willow and he was hoping that he wasn't pushing their
relationship along. He wanted them to be together. But the last thing he
wanted to do was to push Willow away from him.
Willow was thinking of Xander but she felt guilty. She felt like if they
began a relationship that led beyond their friendship, Tara would be
betrayed. She wanted to be with Xander, but she couldn't let go of Tara.
They returned to Buffy's house and got into Xander's car. He drove them to
his apartment, parked the car, and he opened the door for Willow. He led
her into his apartment as he took the flowers from Willow and then he found
a pitcher to put them in. "Sorry," he said to her with a wry smile. "I
guess you won't find a single vase here in my dirty domain."
She sat on the couch and she smiled one of her little half smiles he had
come to love. "Y-you wouldn't be Xander if you did have a vase in your
d-dirty domain."
Xander put the flowers into the pitcher, he added some water, and then he
put the flowers onto a table. He turned to look at Willow. "What do you
think, Will? A room improvement?"
She nodded. But she didn't say anything.
He took a hesitant step toward her. "Well...are you thirsty? Can I get you
a drink?"
Willow turned her head and she looked up at him. She shook her head as a
single tear traveled down her cheek.
Xander took another step closer. He saw the tear. "Willow..." he said
softly. "Can I get you anything? Can I do something for you?"
"W-why are you always so nice to m-me, Xander?" she asked him suddenly.
"Y-you used to be a little bit selfish, but...but now you're always doing
things for me. Y-you're always there for me. More than...than before."
She looked into his eyes. "Why?"
"Don't you know?" Xander sat down beside her. "Because I love you, Willow.
Why shouldn't I want to be nice to you? Why shouldn't I want to make you
happy?"
Willow studied his face. His nose, his eyes, his mouth...she looked at him.
"Because..." Her voice was almost a whisper of emotion. "I-I don't
deserve it." Then she couldn't hold back. She closed her eyes as the tears
came.
Xander put his arms around her and held her. "Of all the people in my life,
Willow, you are the one person who deserves it the most. Besides, you'd
better get used to it. That's all your going to get from me." He paused.
"People say that if you want to get by in life, you have to find a goal and
stick to it. Well, I do have a goal. My goal in this life is you, and
making you happy. No matter what it takes, that's all I want to do."
"I don't...I-I don't understand," she cried. "Xander, I-I hurt you. I
could have killed you. I-I hurt every one that I loved." She sobbed on his
shoulder as her hand touched his face where she had scarred him. "How can
you love me? How can you f-forgive me?"
"Because you're Willow," he said softly as he ran a hand through her hair.
"You're my yellow crayon breaker, study buddy, 'wild on me is spaz' Willow."
He kissed her forehead. "I love you." He tilted her face toward his and
he gently kissed at her tears.
She closed her eyes. "X-Xander, I..." she suddenly trailed off as she
turned her head.
Their lips met.
It was as if time stood still. Two hearts began to beat as one. Two
passions began to burn as one. Xander and Willow found themselves locked in
a powerful embrace, their lips pressed together...hungrily...passionately.
Willow suddenly broke away from Xander and she stumbled quickly to her feet.
She stared at Xander with tears in her eyes as she struggled hard to sort
out her raging emotions.
Xander didn't push. He wasn't about to. He watched her as he remained
seated on couch. "I'm..." He cleared his throat. "I'm sorry about that,"
he said with a lump in his throat.
Willow hesitated, watching his face, "Are y-you...really?"
He smiled wryly. "Well...no. But...but I didn't mean to bring you any
pain." He looked at her with concern. "I don't want to push you away." He
shook his head as a tear rolled down his face. "I...I don't want to lose
you, Will."
"I-it's just so...sudden." She paused. "Isn't it?"
Xander gave it some thought. "For me, it isn't," he said truthfully. "For
you? I...I don't know. I guess you're the only one who can know that."
Willow paused in thought. "Wh-what about Anya?"
"We're just friends now, Will. My feelings for Anya had changed a long time
ago." Watching Anya with Spike at the Magic Shop was not something he could
ever forget. "She's finally accepted that there's nothing between us any
more. You've lived with her for a year now. Haven't the two of you talked
about it?"
Willow nodded. "We...we talked some. Y-yes." She nodded again as she
wiped absently at her tears. "I-I just want to be sure. I don't...I don't
want to mess up things."
"You won't."
She regarded him. She wanted him so badly to understand. "I-I don't want
to push you away either, Xander, but...but I-I'm having a hard time letting
go...of Tara."
He nodded his head and showed her a reassuring smile. "I know, Willow.
Believe me...I do understand. I can wait."
"R-really?"
"Really."
Her lower lip trembled. "H-how long?"
"As long as you need."
"Oh...Xander." She went to him and he took her in his arms. "I-I don't
deserve you."
He held her close. "Wrong, Willow. I don't deserve you."
For awhile, they took comfort in each others arms. They were just two
hurting souls holding one another. At some point, Willow rested her head on
Xander's chest. He stroked her hair and she fell asleep.
Willow had a dream.
A terrible dream.
She was standing in a forest. It was dark, and yet the moon and the stars
were bright enough to see by. A gentle breeze was blowing, but not a
creature stirred in that forest. It was as if she were alone.
No...she wasn't alone.
She could feel eyes watching her.
She didn't like this. There was something very wrong here.
Willow slowly turned around...and she wished she hadn't of.
She was in the exact same area of the woods where she had taken the life of
a human being. She froze in terror at the sight that met her eyes.
Warren's skinless body hung suspended between two trees by vines.
Willow put her hands to her mouth as tears filled her eyes. "Oh, God..."
Suddenly, Warren's eyes snapped open.
Willow screamed and stepped back. She stared in horror.
Warren smiled. "Payback's gonna be a bitch," he said. Then he laughed as
his body abruptly vanished. Even when he was gone, the laughter echoed
through the woods.
Willow sat bolted upright on the couch and she screamed. She gasped for
breath. When she was able to calm down, she realized that something was
still terribly wrong.
