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My Light
By Tigerwolf

Spoilers: All Seasons
Summary: Angsty Angel piece...he watches Cordelia for a little while... This is an Angel/Cordelia fan-fiction - if it offends, please don't read.
Rating: PG-13
Distribution: Anywhere, just ask.
Disclaimer: We all know who's they are!!

----

Every morning I woke up to that smile, that bright, sunnier-than-thou smile that seemed to be my lifeline. But if you look closely, you'll see. You'll see the sun behind it is fading. The light behind her eyes is dimming and I'm not sure how much more of this she can take. To look at her, she's a normal 20 year old woman, her whole life stretched out ahead of her for the world to see. In a different, kinder world, she'd have found love now...or maybe fame, fortune. Something...better?

Instead she has me. She has the life that my redemption has forsaken her to. She has visions. Cordelia isn't normal. She tries to be and sometimes she tries so valiantly that I almost believe it myself because Cordelia Chase has not now, nor shall never be, a quitter. And now I wish she was. I wish she were a quitter. I wish she'd say to hell with me and my redemption because they're killing her. She told me this morning. I want to kill Doyle and yet I know it isn't his fault - him already being dead and all, kinda works against me.

"Angel?" I was changing Connor when I heard her voice and looked up. There was that smile. That 10,000 watt Cordelia Chase smile only...it was only about...hmmm...60 watt maybe? My eyes lingered on her way longer than was absolutely necessary. She looks so tired, so... "I have something to tell you." She says softly. She takes Connor from me and bounces him on her knee, eliciting a giggle from my son and her smile gets a little brighter. Did I know I was such an insensitive asshole? "Let me guess." I grin, "Your inevitable stardom kicked in and you're leaving us." Bastard. She looks like I've just punched her.

I don't think I've ever been prepared for the sight of my Seer, my Cordy, breaking down in front of me. I don't think I'd ever BE prepared for the sight of her hugging my son and crying into his soft little skin. He knows that something's bad. He's crying too. And God, but I'm trying not to. Forgive me Cordelia. Forgive me for not being strong when you need me to be. Gingerly, I sit next to you and reluctantly, you look up, offering me a winning smile that just seems to drag my heart down even further because you're doing it again. You're being strong. You're being YOU. The you I love. The you I want...the you I don't think I can live without. There he is again. That Bastard. That selfish bastard. "Wh-what's wrong?" I reach out a shaky hand to touch you and you look at me. "I-It's the visions." You say quietly. Why, with that one word do I *know* what's coming? Visions. Martin Luther King had a vision, did it kill him? Whoever made the damned Beatles had a vision, did it kill them?

Bitterness. It engulfs me. Wants to drag me down and boy do I want to go. But if I go there, it means leaving you all over again, just like I did the last time and I won't. "What about the visions?" Will hearing the words make it easier? Or make it harder?

"See, the thing is...when Doyle...he didn't know...the visions aren't meant for humans, Angel." Connor's asleep now and you lift him, taking him and placing him in his crib where he snores lightly. You stand there, watching him and I realise that this, what's happening now? It's my worst nightmare. Losing Buffy, killing so many people...every act Angelus and I committed over the past few years raged through my head at this point and yet I could find none as heartbreakingly sad as this. You look so tired. Last night, your previous vision. You sobbed, begged me not to leave after it had ended and...I stayed. For all of five minutes until you said that if someone died...because of you...you'd never forgive yourself. So, what about you then, Cordelia? You're dying...because of me...and how can I forgive myself?

"Is this really happening?" I ask you. And you turn to me, hug me...comfort me. And I push you away. "Stop being so strong, dammit! Let me take care of YOU! Don't...don't act like this isn't happening, please..." I'm begging. I know I'm cruel and heartless and a bastard for saying these things to you but...dammit Cordelia, start thinking about yourself! I tell you of this thought and you smile at it's irony. You thinking of everyone else but yourself for a change. But...you have. You have changed. I know you have...I've watched you grow from a woman who didn't know her place in the world to a woman who does...to woman who's dying for her place in the world.

"You do know that...I'll never leave you?" You ask. I can hear my own heart breaking...or is that yours? I nod. "As long as you're here...as long as Connor's here, I will be too." You whisper.

"Cordy?"

You look up at me. "I love you." I say quietly and I hate that a pained look crosses your face. "Are you telling me this 'cause I'm dying? 'Cause that's mean."

And I shake my head, "I'm telling you this because I love you. Because I really do love you...really am in love with you." You step into my arms and for a while, we're just Angel and Cordelia. Not vampire and Seer. Not employer and employee. We're just us. Reality falls away, and you're happy.

And then it starts again. Your body tenses up in my arms. It lasts, maybe a few seconds...then it's gone and you're left sobbing...the brief happiness you said you felt when I told you I loved you now gone. Reality slips back in. You had a vision, I could only watch. You're my Seer, I'm a vampire. I'm fighting the good fight, and you're dying. I'm still Angel, you're still Cordelia - and for as long as we're together, I'll fight to give you the normalcy we just shared. Because you deserve it, because you don't deserve to die. Because you're my light. My only light.

Part Two