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Crazy?
By RabidX


Rating: R
Pairing: Wesley/Angel, Wes/Lilah mentioned
Spoilers: all Season 3 AtS
Summary: Wesley reflects on his position.
Disclaimer: Jodd Whedon, Mutant Enemy, et all, owns the characters. They make the money. I write the fic and make none.
Warnings: Religious views that may not sit well with everyone. So be it. The debate over Judas Iscariot is a fact. It is happening. My personal religious views don’t matter here and honestly, I don’t want yours if you are going to try to fight me on them. What a person believes is their right. No offense is meant by this fic or the warning.
Notes: This is one of those fics that demanded to be written. It would not sit quiet in my head until it came out. Pushy thing. Thank yous are bestowed, as always, to my wonderful Evil Twin, Wyrdchaos. Thank you for your paitence, creativity and amazing support!

Judas Iscariot, the ultimate traitor. The one who Dante put in the worst level of Hell, and thank you Lilah, I knew that. What most people refuse to believe, to even conceive of, is that he may have been the man who loved Jesus most.

Biblical scholars are debating that very thing. Did Judas betray Jesus Christ, or did he do him the ultimate act of devotion? Did Jesus know the man some believe to be an assassin would be the only one who’s faith was strong enough, his love great enough, to elevate the Lord’s Son to his heavenly place? The other Apostles, tearing apart by arguments and potential greed, wouldn’t have been able to kill their Lord. Judas though, Judas’ love and devotion was so strong he took the curse, the silver and did his sacred duty. Did what Jesus bade him.

I believe this. I have to. It’s all I have left.

You see, Angel asked me, once upon a time, to kill him. Begged me to not let him turn to Angelus again. The drugs that changed him scared him nearly to life that it could be that easy. When he was slowly going mad over Darla, I didn’t. I couldn’t. I was weak. Thank God that turned out okay.

I don’t think Angel is Jesus Christ. He’s far too worldly bound for that elevation. But he does have the quality of mystic to him. He has his quest, his redemption. Strangely, in a way, Cordelia, Gunn, Fred and myself are his apostles. We sit at his feet, washing away sins in a perverse turn, a parody, of Mary Magdalene four fold. We offer the penance and gratitude he so desperately needs. Mayhaps Conner fits the Jesus role, the son come to do the bidding of the father. I don’t know. Too much education and scotch for me to think clearly anymore. At least I know the boy is alive as surely as I know my role now.

Lilah didn’t have to tell me my place. I knew it intimately the moment Angel placed the pillow over my face. Traitor... except when someone needs something. Damn Gunn for throwing Fred in my face. Damn her for her revelation of the falsehood of the prophecy. Damn them all for their shortsightedness. They won’t be able to kill Angel if he needs it now. Not even bad ass Charles Gunn. Perhaps Conner will. He’s surely been fed Holtz’s hate by now no matter what solidarity the boy showed at the club.

They cannot let him turn to evil again. Cannot let him fall under the purview of Wolfram and Hart. Lilah thinks they would be able to control Angelus if he ever emerged again. What a fool. If it happens, when it happens, the look will be exquisite. One I’d savor. It would be much like the one on her face when I drove hard into her. Eyes wide, lips open and trembling to see such supposed goodness be so viscous. Yes, she thinks she’s as evil, as hard as it gets. Poor deluded child. She can’t even scratch the surface.

Did I? Not hardly, but I’m not so blind that I can’t recognize the evil within. I suppose, since I work... worked with Angel, was friends with him, loved him, that one would think I was blind to it. Never. I’ve been trained better, despite what my father and the Counsel thinks. I just happen to be able to recognize good as well. How else can one make comparisons? How else could one keep a vigil without that knowledge?

How are the others going to do that? Angelus comes back and there won’t be a whole throat left to scream. Perhaps he’ll even turn one or two of them as a sick joke. I could always stick a spear in his side and run. Hope to be damned like that Roman soldier. Damned to roam the earth eternally waiting. Waiting and watching, keeping the evil at bay? Hrm, arrogance comes with the bottle as well.

Yes, I cannot afford to delude myself except here at home, doors and windows tightly locked and protected. If I were to cross Angel’s path again, he will kill me. Perhaps, if that happens, he will have had enough time to remember the past and make it quick. Remember all the times he cried and I held him. The times he sucked me off, seeking apologies and the only connection he could make. The times I sucked him, seeking the love and affection I knew he couldn’t bestow to me fully. I loved him. I still do. I probably always will, even if he never knows it.

I do know he’ll never forgive. I have my proof in the letter on the table. I found it this morning, slipped under the door.

‘One day, Wesley. We have unfinished business. Sleep while you can.’

It was signed with his flowing ‘A’. I know that, some night, perhaps tomorrow or next year, he will find me. Find me out somewhere and God, let him be quick. Did Judas want this? I think he did.