DISCLAIMER: I don't own them. I just like to write. Don't sue, please! SUMMARY: Fred leaves behind everything that she has known and embraces a new "life". DISTRIBUTION: FanFiction.Net, Hello World: Fan Fiction Is Fun, anyone else please ask first. RATING: PG-13 WARNING: Try multiplying the evilness factor of Sane Insanity by 5 and maybe... Nope sorry this story would still be more evil. I am telling you this Evil Fred Muse, otherwise known as EFM is really EVIL! THANK YOUS: To MeriBeth and Candace for being the beta people. FEEDBACK: Lots of it please! Send to annabelle_felicity@hotmail.com, but no flames please, you have been warned many times that this is written by the Evil Fred Muse, she is not a sane person, and she tends to take over. EFM SPEAKS OUT: What is true evil? Well I am but that is not the point. No flames or it will only get worse.
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I flopped down on the round couch and just lay there for a few minutes. My head was spinning, after the kiss with Charles and the looks that Wesley was giving me; I knew something was wrong; I just couldn't put my finger on what it was. I was confused because I felt wicked for feeling the way that I did about Wesley. When he was chasing me through the hotel I never felt more alive or more aroused, and I knew it was wrong to feel that way. I couldn't help it though, I still get shivers just thinking about that night. Licking my fingers after they were stained with his blood, the taste of it, it was exquisite. It was wrong though, so wrong, and that is why I let Charles kiss me, because I
knew what I felt for Wesley was wrong, it made me feel dirty. Although if you asked me which made me more sick: feeling the way I did about Wesley or kissing Charles, I would have said kissing Charles without a second thought.
Slowly I rolled over, looked up at the ceiling and started to trace invisible
patterns with my finger. I was going to figure this out if it was the last
thing that I did, because honestly I was sick of taking five showers a day
because of how dirty I felt. It was evil, it was wrong, it went against
everything that I was taught in church, but I wanted more. The longing in my
body almost killed me sometimes, I need to taste his blood again, needed to
have it slowly slip down my throat, feel his touch on my skin, if only for a
moment, but I needed it more than anything. Yet the thing that kept running
through my mind was how wrong it was. The only thing was no matter how hard I
tried, I couldn't think about anything else, because I knew that he was just in
the other room. He wasn't watching me though, he never would after what he saw
that night. I wish I could just run in there and tell him that he was wrong,
what he saw was a mistake, I hadn't meant to kiss Charles and I was thinking of
him the whole time, but he wouldn't believe me. No, he would just turn me away
and tell me to go off and play with my gadgets because he thought of me as a
child that he had to protect.
Something had to change. I knew what it was but I wasn't sure how to go about
doing it, how do you make a man see that you are a woman, one with needs and
wants? Well I knew, but if I did the things that were popping in my head
Wesley would never look at me the same way. It was evil, it was wrong, but it
was the only way. The only thing was making him do what I wanted him to; I
mean he wouldn't do anything unless he was drunk, drugged, or something like
that. Wesley kept his dark side carefully tucked away, bottled up with the cap
tightly in place. He wasn't like me, I let my dark side come out and play
sometimes, but only when no one else was around, or when someone pushed me to,
like he did that night. I would give anything to relive that night, but I
couldn't do what I wanted to because well first it was wrong, but also because
I knew that he would regret it the next day and would never look at me again,
and I wouldn't have been able to handle that.
Dirty, evil, wrong, bad, wicked, all these words flashed through my mind,
invading it and battering it, making my head hurt, making me want to cry. I
knew what I had to do, I had to let go of my soul, let the darkness take over
me, and it was the only way that I could live with myself. Having human
emotion was conflicting with what I wanted, feeling guilty, feeling awful, I
didn't want it anymore, I wanted blood, his blood, I craved it. His blood was
the only thing that made me feel alive, feel like I had purpose and the only
way to get it was to turn him and myself into something that we hated,
something that we had spent our time together fighting, but it had to be done
so that we could let go of the frail human thing called a soul. The thing that
holds humans back makes them feel that there is a right and wrong even though
there isn't, the only thing that is important is blood.
Finally I stood up from the couch and I watched him. It broke my heart to
watch him like this, to see with such a black cloud over his head. Perhaps I
could talk to him, try to reason with him. It was worth a shot, after all the
alterative should really be a last resort.
"Excuse me," I tapped softly on the door.
Wesley jumped a little. "Oh Fred. You startled me."
"Can I come in," I asked him gently. I knew I was going to have to get used to
asking that question.
"Yes," he motioned me to a chair. "Yes of course."
I sat down and folded my hands and looked at them. "Wesley," I started and
stopped. "I'm so sorry."
"Fred," he looked at me curiously. "What is it?"
"I didn't mean to," I bit back the tears. "It was a mistake. I was confused
and I stayed that way for a while, but now I know. I know he could never be
the one, he isn't right; I just went crazy for a minute. I am sorry that I let
it happen, I shouldn't have, I feel so dirty."
Wesley stood up and walked around his desk to kneel next to me. "What do you
mean," he reached for my hand. "What happened Fred?"
"I know you know," I let the tears flow down my face. "I know you saw, please
don't make me say it. Just forgive me," I flung myself at him. My arms
wrapped around him and held him to me so tightly. "Please," my lips brushed
against the skin on his neck. "Forgive me."
He started to pull back from me and held me at arms length despite my whimper
of protest. "Winifred," he looked at me. "I can't just wipe it from my mind.
I am sorry; it is going to take sometime. Plus it will hurt him."
"But it was just once," I protested and reached out to touch his cheek. "He
will understand. Please Wesley. I need this, I need you."
"No," he stood up. He looked at me long and hard. "I am sorry. I won't." He
walked away and went to sit back at his desk.
"I wish I could take it all back," I stayed on the floor. "I never wanted to
hurt you. I just wanted to love you to be with you, but I thought it was
wrong. Because you kept pushing yourself away from me, treating me like a
child, I thought you didn't want me. Wesley, please don't you see how much
this is killing me, how hard it is for me to admit that when you kissed me that
night that it," I paused. "That it made me feel like I had take my first real
breath. My mind kept telling that it was wrong, that it was dirty and evil."
"And it was," Wesley gave me a harsh look. "If that is what you want, then
don't look to me Winifred." He glared at me for a second and then went back to
his books. "If that is all," he didn't look up.
I whimpered and let a sob escape my mouth. Then I went running out of his
office and didn't look back. I knew what I had to do, I didn't want to but it
was the only way. He kept his darkness in so close to him, there was no way
that I was going to reach it on my own, I was too weak. I needed to find help,
and I knew just where to look.
"Please," I knocked on the door of an old house. "Let me in."
"Why," a voice grumbled.
"I have money," I replied. "And I need your help. Please?"
I heard the bolt on the door slide back. The door creaked and made a hideous
noise as it opened just enough to let me slip in. "What do you want," the
woman looked me over.
"I want to be turned," I told her. "I know you can do it. I have the money.
More than what you normally ask for."
"Normally I just feed off your kind," she chuckled and put her hand to my chin.
"You look healthy enough. Why do you want to be turned?"
"Because I am wicked and evil," I cast my eyes down. "They tell me that I am,
that the things that I want are wrong."
"Who tells you that pretty," she stroked her hand against my cheek.
I gasped at the ice-cold feel of her hands. "The man," I started to cry but
managed to hold back the tears. "The man that I love."
"You want blood, yes," she started to circle me.
"Yes," I nodded. I kept my eyes on the floor. "More than anything."
She stopped in front of me again and titled my chin up so that I was looking at
her. "There is nothing wrong with that my little bird," she smiled at me. "I
will help you. You are a rare case. I can smell the evil coming from you,
begging to be let out. You will make a wonderful creature once your human soul
is left behind."
"Then it's true," I let my head sink again. "I am evil and wicked. I am bad."
"You could say that," she chuckled. "My little bird there is no good or bad,
there is only blood. But you will see that soon."
"It will hurt," I stated more than asked.
She smiled and rubbed reached for my wrist. "You will die," she rubbed my
veins. "But it will only be for a moment. Just relax."
With that she sunk her teeth into my flesh. I let out a moan of pain and
excitement. Slowly I could feel my soul start to sleep away from me, I could
feel it writher and die. The darkness was taking over me and its warmth being
draped across my body, it allowed me to shed any human emotions of guilt and
sorrow that were left inside me. Next came the need for blood, the ache for
it, the yearning for it that almost killed me a second time, it took over my
lungs and chocked me until the woman held her own wrist to my mouth and let me
drink.
Then it happened. I felt my body start to shake and the pain was so intense
that I fell to the ground in a crumpled ball. I whimpered as inside my soul
died leaving me what some might call thin a hollow shell. As the pain started
to build my head started to spin and I could see the world slipping away from
me. I blacked out and stayed that way for a long time.
When I woke up I saw her standing over me. "There you are little bird," she
chuckled. "You had me worried there for a second."
"I am so hungry," I sat up and looked at my clothes and started to shred them.
"These things are so ugly."
"Hey I didn't do the shopping," she shook her head at me with a smile.
"Hmm," I stood up and dusted myself of. "Neither did I," a chuckle rose in my
throat. "Shall we go after him than?"
"It is up to you," she shrugged. "What name will you use now?"
I thought for a moment. "Winifred," I started to pace the room. "Sasha dear,"
I looked at my maker. "This place is just so drab. We are going to have to
move."
Sasha laughed at me again. "I guess this place is not as classy as that hotel
you were staying at," she looked around the dark room. "I must admit I am a
bit envious of Angelus. A whole hotel all to himself, but what you showed me
through our link will be very helpful later."
"Take the knight, next the queen, then the rook and castle, and lastly check
the king," I giggled. "It will be so much fun."
"You are crazy," she shook her head at me. "You do know that don't you?"
"The question you should be asking is if you know that," I ran my fingers over
my body. "Oh I feel an itch. Let's go scratch it."
Sasha shook her head once more and followed me out the door. "And just how do
you plan on getting your knight to let you in?"
"Ask him all nice and pretty," I gave her a sly smile. "With blood on the
side. Come on, time to hurry. The night is slipping away." For the first
time in my existence I felt like everything was right with the world. I was
going to get what I wanted and I had no guilt about wanting it. I no longer
felt evil, I was evil, and I reveled in that fact.
